Baristas and You! Quick Tips to Help Your Barista not Hate You!

Since everyone else is blogging about the COVID-19 pandemic, I thought I would too! But really, I just want to rant about entitled assholes I always see in line in front of me at the coffee shops.

You’ve been there before… waiting in line at your favorite coffee haunt, standing patiently while some douche-bag in front of you is ordering a coffee laced with gold and talking to the barista like they were an economy-class passenger. It makes you mad watching the barista pretend to smile and placate that smug piece of shit!

Since it is not in all of us to confront those assholes, there are things you can do to make your baristas day better! Here are a few things that help the situation:

1. Know what you want before stepping up to the counter. Never ask the barista “what do I want?” If you’re not sure, at least have a couple options in mind before you start asking questions. They want to help you, but you’re not the only customer.
2. Be respectful! “Please” and “thank you” are always things you should say, but also be aware of their time. Chatting about your dog is probably the last thing they want to do!
3. Be funny, but with taste. If you are familiar with your baristas, you’ll probably get to know their sense of humor. For example, I might mobile order “Banana Nut Bread” with the name “BiCuriousGeorge” at one starschmucks, but not another. “Tacosupremebeing” on the cup at least raises a few smiles when they have the time to read and process it. Think of a funny name, but don’t be rude!
4. DON’T FORGET TO TIP! Baristas live on tips. It’s their livelihood. I know the cup of coffee costs six fucking dollars, but you’re the one too lazy to make for yourself! They are busting their ass to make something for you that you could live without. So be generous!

Now, back to talking about the asswipe douche-bags out there. If you see someone in line being a complete dick or bitch, have the balls to say something! The barista is obligated to be polite and is not allowed to say what everyone else is thinking. Point-out to that motherfucker (or unclefucker) that they’re being rude and disrespectful. Maybe they just didn’t realize it or are having a bad day. But neither of those warrant being a jackass to someone who is only trying to help.

I’d like to end this by asking “have you hugged a barista today?” but I can’t. The COVID-19 pandemic has seen to that. Besides, it would probably end in a sexual harassment suit anyway. Let your barista know you care by being polite, respectful, and standing-up for them!

Just something to ponder while you wait in line for that six-fucking-dollar cup of coffee… Oh, and if you have some good and tasteful names for my next cup of coffee, leave them here. Mine are getting cold.